Evolutionary Professional Blog

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Resolution Evolution | Creating Your S.M.A.R.T. 2013

If you want to simply register for the call, go HEREHERE:
http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9Chttp://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9C

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That time of year has just passed when most of us have taken inventory. And many of us imagine a future that is somehow ... different from the past.

Sometimes it comes in the form of examining what we learned from the year we have just lived and experienced--and making plans for what we want to accomplish in the coming year.

Either way, we all know how it goes for most of us by the end of January. Or, heck, by January 10th ...

This is not some failure on our part; more often it is a matter of conflicting parts within us that are yearning to be understood, appreciated, and integrated. Still other aspects can simply be not being present to our internal representations and not understanding our unconscious organization of time and how to access that and maximize its power.

Essentially not understanding how to harness the power of our own mind.

And sometimes it is not knowing how to language a goal to make certain that the probabilities that it will become a reality are dramatically increased.

We'll cover all of that in this free tele-seminar.

What you will discover:

• How to create S.M.A.R.T. goals and outcomes
• Why resolutions rarely ever work--and how to make sure they do
• Understanding your unconcious organization of time
• How unconscious, internal conflicting parts can be brought into your awareness, honored, and integrated

• The art and science of Time Line Tharapy to create spooky cool results

Join us. It's free. 

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by being exposed to this powerful way to manage your own mind.

Your future begins now ...

What: Creating Your SMART Future
When: Wednesday, January 16th @ 7pm Pacific
Where: On the phone and/or on the web

Register for the call HEREHERE:

http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9Chttp://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9C

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Creating Your S.M.A.R.T. Future | Teleseminar

That time of year is approaching when most of us begin to take inventory. Sometimes it is as simple as looking at our lives and making "resolutions" to change this habit or that habit.

Sometimes it comes in the form of examining what we learned from the year we have just lived and experienced--and making plans for what we want to accomplish in the coming year.

Either way, we all know how it goes for most of us by the end of January. Or, heck, by January 10th ...

This is not some failure on our part; more often it is a matter of conflicting parts within us that are yearning to be understood, appreciated, and integrated. Still other aspects can simply be not being present to our internal representations and not understanding our unconscious organization of time and how to access that and maximize its power.

Essentially not understanding how to harness the power of our own mind.

And sometimes it is not knowing how to language a goal to make certain that the probabilities that it will become a reality are dramatically increased.

We'll cover all of that in this free tele-seminar.

What you will discover:

• How to create S.M.A.R.T. goals and outcomes
• Understanding your unconcious organization of time
• How unconscious, internal conflicting parts can be brought into your awareness, honored, and integrated
• The art and science of Time Line Tharapy to create spooky cool results

Join us. It's free. 

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by being exposed to this powerful way to manage your own mind.

Your future begins now ...

What: Creating Your SMART Future
When: Thursday, December 6th @ 12pm Pacific
Where: On the phone and/or on the web

Register for the call herehere:

http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/V86HCV9V1NT9QU05

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Update: Here is the recording for the call:




Here is the direct link to download the source file:


mp3smart_future_20121206.mp315.32 MB

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Resolving Your Past | Creating Your Future

Imagine having a tool in your toolbox that was so versatile it could resolve fears and traumas from the past--and could also create magical results for you and your clients in the future...

For years now, many people have asked me to teach and/or demonstrate certain NLP methods and processes.


This is the first in a series born out of me finally saying yes to that request.

After 17 years of being a Master Practitioner, there are really only about 5 main processes I use because of the scope of what they can address as well as the depth at which they work. In other words, they can handle pretty much everything and anything mentally and emotionally.

One of those is my own modified version of Dr Tad James' Time Line Therapy.

In this free 90-minute event I will demonstrate and teach the principles involved that make it effective as both a tool for resolution as well as how to create magical results in your future.

•Create magical financial as well as personal results in your future
•Resolve past traumatic experiences
•Dissolve habitual emotional
•Integrate the power of your unconscious mind, your self-concept, the law of attraction, and your unconscious organization of time to create futures


And so many other uses.


This is one of those "must-know" processes for effective coaches and practitions. Something you will want to have in your tool bag--even if you think you already know it, you will be enriched by learning this version of it--and the underlying principles.


Serve your clients and yourself more effectively. Start by RSVPing for this event and adding this to your tool box. Use the contact form here to find out the exact location.

When: Tuesday, July 31st @ 7:15pm
Where: Del Mar-ish, San Diego [RSVP for exact location]
Why: See above

In Service,

jason.the.mcclain

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Facility With Self ::: Navigating Your Interiors

 

 

Be a part of the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Agreement Frames | Clean Relating

 

 

Participate in the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Wherein I Explain the Cycle of My Social Media Status Updates

"I am a mouth for a process that many of us are going though. The more intimately I deal with how it is for me, the more intimately I am sharing how it is for you." -Ram Dass

Some have asked about my updates. The are sexual/primal. And then emotive [poetry shares] and then cognitive/political and then spiritual/ethereal/transcendent. Huh. Yeah. Weird, huh?

What's up with this guy? Where is The.McClain comin' from?

As I have written before, it is not transcend and deny, it is not transcend and suppress. Rather transcend and *include*.

I assert being fully alive is to be sexual and primal. To be emotive and love. To be cognitive and mentally sharp and discerning AND yes, of course to be Spiritual/transcendent/ethereal. ALL of it. ALL fully flowing ::: ALL channels open. All channels awake. All channels channeling.

I have also found that the more I give voice to the darker more primal drives, the more comfortably my students and clients are willing to share and examine those places within themselves -- the more they are able to feel safe. AND within that, they can accelerate the dissolution of those aspects to the degree that it is appropriate. For them. For the very process of evolution. The evolution of conscious evolution.

And it all begins by shining the light on the "shadow" aspects of ourselves. The unspoken [and "inappropriate" aspects of ourselves. The politically incorrect. The lecherous. The murderous. The rageful. The ... well you get it. Consciousness, when it is at full, is *all* of it.

It is all, of course, part of the human experience.

So expect to see me cycle through those drives, levels, energetic centers, stages, etc. [consciously and intentionally]. So yes, you will see me talk [or quote] of fucking and eating/indulging. Of feeling and loving ::: epically. AND calling our leaders to task--not based on partisanship, but on results--regardless of who is "in power", while pointing to guiding lights I myself am moving toward and hoping we all move toward.

Pre-rational ::: Rational ::: Trans-rational

...and then repeating again.

In service of the very nature of the upward Spiral itself.

But know that you may not understand my choices, and you may not agree with them ::: and they may not be wise [heh] ::: BUT - most of the time - they are incredibly intentional and conscious.

-Intrinsic McClain-Ness™

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So You Just Celebreated a Win? Good. Begin Again ...

A great quote about footballgreat quote about football, but it applies to any business:

"It's kind of like the questions that have been asked about what it's like right after being world champions," Coughlin said. "We go to the parade, we come back from the parade, and the next day we're grading players, we're ranking players. The business just goes on. Enjoy it while you can, because you've got the next hurdle, and in order to get back on schedule, you've got to deal with these kinds of things [immediately]."

What do you do right after you complete XYZ? Begin again and go on the next thing/level.

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Integral Personal Evolution | An Evening Introduction

Increase your capacity to handle whatever life throws at you.

Imagine being confused when someone asks you if you took something personally. Authentically confused–as in, that interpretation is actually confusing to you.

Imagine being free–finally–from the opinions of others defining who you are.

Imagine when the sh** comes down in your life there is just the sh** to deal with and your mind is fully in service–it is your slave, rather than you being enslaved and imprisoned by your own mind.  

Being free from the emotions that enslave most people--and at choice--fully.

I do not mean just in a specific context, like relationships or finances or professional–personal evolution is not context dependent–but free at core level, such that your natural emotional responses are more free–in every context.

Imagine “reframing” being unnecessary–unnecessary because the reframe is the frame that naturally arises.

Our ego and our emotions evolve in stages. Greater and greater expanse. Ever-increasing levels of freedom. Wider and wider embrace of all that arises–moment to moment.

This is important to you because your stage will determine how you interpret events as well as your emotional reaction to it--before any re-framing can occur. In other words, it is what governs your relationship to interacting with the world and with yourself. 

Of course, this is only important if you interact with others–or yourself.

Let’s accelerate the process of movement through the stages--so we can play more, love deeper, laugh longer–and hurt for only as long as is necessary for us to learn what we must learn to deepen our experience of ourselves.

To unfold our depths; to reveal our Divinity.

And isn’t that what it’s all for anyway?

Because who we are is pure divinity. Pure Spirit. “God/dess” manifest. Yet our particular manifestation is often clouded.

As you touch your hand to your heart you may begin to feel Divinity waiting, wanting to come out and play. Release your Divinity; release the highest within you. Release--your inner god/dess.

Your Personal Evolution is the gateway. 

Yes, it will take the gristly and gritty work of building the muscles of facility with Self.  AND it will be the most valuable endeavor you have undertaken.

Let's explore this unfolding together.

 

What: Free Evening Intro to Personal Evolution | The Evolutionary Ego
When: Monday April 9th @ 7:30pm - 9:30pm-ish
Why? ::: You already know ... 

Where? In San Francisco. RSVP for exact location using the contact form on this site.


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Semi-Weekly Tips ::: Your Relationship to "Failures"

It is not the "successes" or "failures" that will define you and your business in the end.

Rather, it is your relationship--your orientation--to the failures that will.

 

Register for the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Semi-Weekly Tips ::: New Blog Category

I have created a new blog category for you called "semi-weekly tips" and it will be just that.

We'll cover topics ranging from self-esteem to email marketing. From best practices in business to practices for maintaining a healthy ego.

They will be 2-minute vignettes. We will release one approximately every 10 days.

They are not meant to be exhaustive or thorough lessons, but rather just a quick hit or some insight, and for some of you, simply reminders of the best of what you may have forgotten, but would love to be reminded of.

These are primarily created with coaches and holistic practitioners in mind, however, if you are in business for yourself, or if you are an independent commission-based employee, you will also be able to benefit from them.

To get you started, the first two are up now:

You are responsible, and therefore at choice:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/akw

Single emails do not sell. Email campaigns do:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/ak6

And if at any point in the future, if you want to see all of the tips in the category, then you can either click on "Semi-Weekly Tips" near the date stamp for the entries, or go to the category listing here:

http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/evolutionary-blog/categories/listings/weekly-tips


In Service and In Evolution,

Jason

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Coaching The Life Coach | The 16 Week Course

One of the things that am committed to changing in the world is the painful separation of Spirit and wealth acquisition.

So many people think they have to sacrifice their spiritual life to make money. And so many people think they have to sacrifice wealth to be truly spiritual.

The truth is quite the opposite. Not only *can* we integrate them, but we must.

I think we can all agree, that if these were integrated--if people were acquiring wealth AND living a robust spiritual life in the same moment, then so much of the unethical stuff we have seen in the financial markets in the last few years would not have happened.

For our world to solve so many problems it has, not only can we integrate spiritual sensibilities and wealth acquisition ... but we must.

Why am I sharing this in this email? 

As many of you know, I have been working on an on-line version of my live Coaching The Life Coach program for  ... well … years now.

It is finally finished. 

A 16-week tour-de-force covering everything from your emotional blocks and defining your purpose to SEO and v4.0 of Evolutionary Sales™ with the purpose to have you integrate your purpose and your prosperity and be well on your way to be making over 6-figures by living your purpose.

For being here, you get a coupon code that will give you about 25% off each month.

Check out the course hoopla page here:

http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/clc-4-sales-page

And the course visual overview here:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/clc4-course-outline

 

Your coupon code is:

community50

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Depth and Its Value | Spiral Dynamics | Integral

All perspectives have equal validity, but they lack equal *value*, as they manifest different and varying levels of depth. #integral

I wrote the above line on facebook yesterday. Comments ensued:

@chris kosley said:

"Isn't value only assignable relative to a particular goal? Why should deep be inherently more valuable than shallow?"

To which I responded:

Thanks for asking the question. Good stuff.

What you say about value relative to a goal is true in other contexts [say, if I were talking about a skill or a thing; an object. But that is not what I was talking about.

I was talking about the inherent value in perspectives.

Why should deep be inherently more valuable than shallow? The simple answer is because it contains more. 

It requires more to demonstrate depth than it does to be shallow. It requires a larger embrace of the Kosmos. For instance, compassion is more valuable than anger because it requires a greater depth of development to demonstrate compassion than it does to simply get angry.

Therefore there *is* an inherent value that is greater.

Green [SD6] in Spiral Dynamics will not see this: they believe in flatland; all perspectives have equal value and it is all about cultural constructs and no culture is any "better" than any other culture. Of course they fail to realize that this perspective itself is a very high/deep level of development and stages below it do not share the sentiment.

Yellow realizes the folly in this, and its inherent falseness; Yellow [SD7] once again is fine with holarchies [stops judging them as bad or claiming they do not exist] as they are naturally occurring all around us.

And that is one of the charachteristics that truly distinguishes 1st Tier consciousness from 2nd Tier in the model. In other words, what distinguishes Integral.

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Relationships: Elegent Navigation, Effective Communication Part 1

Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation

Part 1: The Problem (1346 words. Average reading time: 6 minutes)

In the global marketplace of cultures, ideas, relationships, and business strategies, we can no longer say that there is one way to “do relationships” or that there is an “is-ness” to what form they should take.

 There simply is no global—or even local—consensus around relationships—if there ever was.

Whether we are speaking about arranged marriages still common on the other side of the globe in India, gay marriages—legal in some countries and some U.S. Statesegal in some countries and some U.S. Statesegal in some countries and some U.S. States or other alternative forms of relating from polyamory, or other non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship forms, we can certainly say that what is considered an acceptable form of relating is massively expanding in scope.

Whether you agree or disagree with those life-style choices, it is undeniable that the very idea of relationship is in evolution both morally and culturally.  Not to mention in practicality—in form.

And yet … 

And yet, most people still cannot seem to even navigate the waters of traditional relationships with facility and elegance.  Even many friendships are not always fulfilling and conflicts are rarely navigated effectively—if at all. Sadly, many marriages and intimate romantic relationships often hobble along until people are just in a habit, not a relationship. They’re still “together” on the surface, but the reality, truth, intimacy, and dynamism faded—or died—long ago.

They are in a habit, not an actual relationship.

There are certainly exceptions to this.  Both in relationships and in society as a whole. We have individuals and small “intentional” communities who have it as one of their stated values to become facile at navigating the waters of relationships—including  conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, as well as their internal, individual, personal emotional upset or “charge” that comes along with it—with skill, ease, and a good degree of elegance.

But even after more than 40 years of the rise and expansion of the human potential movement, these are exceptions, not rules.  Heck, they are often not even expected standards, let alone the rule.

But it could be so.  

We can all have fulfilling, harmonious relationships. Even in conflict, there are philosophical approaches as well effective communication models that, if take on, can fulfill on this possibility—and make it a reality.

So…what are they?

 First, let’s look at some of the common problems that arise. And then, together, we will examine some simple solutions.

 

The Problems

 

Many of dynamics within inter-personal problems and/or conflicts can be summed up thusly:

  • A belief that relationships are “supposed to take work” or “supposed to be hard”
  • Dishonesty. Dishonesty in at least two ways
    • Deceit—actual lying
    • Hiding the truth—not just of facts, which we will lump in with the above, but of our internal, subjective experience. Our process. And what is going on for us.
  • Blaming others for our circumstances or the situation AND
  • Failing to take responsibility for our part in a conflict or misunderstanding
  • Simply meaning two different things—or interpreting something in two different ways—that are in conflict unknowingly until the it causes a conflict explicitly and openly
  • An egoic need to “be right” put before a search for truth and accuracy
  • A lack of emotional choice or facility [being run by our anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, resentments etc.]
  • A lack of knowledge around how to effectively communicate through a conflict—a lack of a positive, effective, workable model
  • A lack of skillful means with those models
  • A collision of values/world-views that are in conflict

 

Why are people dishonest? Several reasons seem to occur most frequently:

  • We do not want to “rock the boat”
  • We do not want to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them the truth [even though, in reality, most people can handle the truth, it is the deception or the hiding that causes the true hurt once revealed or discovered
  • Fear—fear of being judged, fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, or just plain fear of speaking the truth directly.

 

Why do people blame others?  Oh, so many reasons, but a few common reasons are:

 

  • It’s just easier to point the finger outside of oneself than it is to take responsibility—even when oneself is more “to blame”.
  • We do not have solid enough sense of self to take responsibility without going into a state of shame—and therefore avoid doing so
  • We have fault and blame collapsed with responsibility


Why do people resist—sometimes at great cost interpersonally and in terms of intimacy—taking responsibility?

Sadly, people think that responsibility equals blame or fault, but they are actually separate matters. Responsibility really means just that—being able to respond.  To engage. To resolve. To accept your part in it.  When they collapse fault and blame with taking responsibility, they avoid it like the plague, lest they experience guilt and/or shame around it.  Unfortunately, the other person in the equation is often all too willing to assist the other in feeling guilt or shame for egoic reasons—or to extract their pound of flesh, their pint of blood.

While I certainly do not want to oversimplify these complex and multi-faceted issues, we could say that all of those items can boil down to one core cause: insufficient esteem for the self; a lack of healthy and appropriate ego development. Except in the case of actual physical abuse, there is no reason other than a lack of esteem for yourself—knowledge of your competence to communicate it and your belief that you deserve to be happy—to explain it. AND, in the case of actual physical abuse, if the individual is staying in that system—and therefore participating in it—we can trace it to the same core: a lack of esteem for the self; that they deserve better and take action to make it so.

Without boring you by vivisecting all of those problem dynamic bullet points let’s cut to the quick of it: we could trace all of the problems in relationships down to 4 basic common denominators, 3 of them completely resolvable, and the 4th, quite often possible to resolve:

  1. Anemic esteem for the Self
  2. Underdeveloped facility – both emotionally as well as communication skills
  3. Lack of knowledge of effective communication models or processes
  4. A collision of worldviews at the level of values

We will address solutions to items 1, 2, and 3 in Part 2. For a partial examination of the 4th item, I will point you to another article on that subject HEREHEREHERE on my legacy site.

 

 You can proceed to Part 2 of this article: The Solutions HEREHERE.

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Evolutionary Thinking on the Evolution of Ego | Expand and Dissolve Rather than "Annihilate"

We have been sold a bill of goods around ego. One that creates internal division and conflict. One that creates internal dissonance. One that creates pain. One that, at its worst, can foster a certain degree of self-hatred. A dis-ownership of the self. A bill of goods that is 2,500 years old in terms of its story around ego, the nature of ego, and the "problem" of ego.

And there is a better way. One that can create the same intended result with a kinder, gentler more self-accepting approach that can accelerate the evolution of the ego through the radical acceptance of expanding the ego, rather than attempting the psychological and spiritual suicide of ego annihilation. 

You can also see some similar themes around ego in the business context, read this article:  Self-Esteem and the Solo-Preneur | Internal vs. External Locus of Responsibility for an even deeper cut, taken from an email I sent a client a couple years ago, read Your Self-Worth is a Settled Matter.

Ok...ready? ::: Heh.

A quote from Ken Wilber I posted spawned an in-depth, yet brief—discussion on the nature and evolution of ego, Spiral Dynamics, the Integral community, and related topics, including the difference between cognitive development and actual development ::: the difference being understanding vs emotional response and being, or stated differently ::: one’s “center of gravity”.

The style is conversational, as it was an actual conversation.

Below are excerpted comments in the thread that followed. The order of some of the comments have been changed for continuity of the discussion, and for flow. Some have been deleted for the sake of relevance. If you want to see the full, unedited thread for yourself, you can see that HEREHEREHERE. The edited and streamlined version is below for your reading enjoyment.

The quote that started it all :::

“The ego is not a thing but a subtle effort, and you cannot use effort to get rid of effort--you end up with two efforts instead of one. The ego itself is a perfect manifestation of the Divine, and it is best handled by resting in Freedom, not by trying to get rid of ego, which simply increases the effort of ego itself.” --Ken Wilber 

Of course, I cannot speak for Ken Wilber—nor will I attempt to.

Simultaneously, I have read and listened to most of his stuff. As a result, I can certainly imagine—to varying degrees of accuracy—what he is speaking to, so I will attempt to translate him.

AND this will be based on my own experience after 19 years of conscious work, clearing, and self-examination and evolution—AND based on my work with over 200 clients one-on-one in my Personal Evolution Program, which lasted [when I used to do that work]  about 7 months--designed to accelerate the evolution of their ego ::: to widen their embrace. To increase their ease. To reduce their fear. To eliminate most of their anger. To increase their esteem for the Self.

So I may be and will be projecting/hallucinating…and it will be accurate—to varying degrees. Your mileage may vary.

So…what is “ego”? Most in popular spiritual and psychological circles will say we must transcend our ego, or worse ::: “annihilate it”. Is this healthy? Is this ecological? Does it suit the ecology of the environment we exist in?

The ecology of the self?

Is “ego what motivates us” as Pi asserts? Perhaps sometimes, yes. perhaps always—sure.

And the question for me becomes, motivates HOW? From what stage? Because, you see, we will be motivated differently from different stages, for different reasons.

For me, ego is essentially the seat of our consciousness. Where it rests and comes from. Not its Source. Its Source is the very kosmos ::: consciousness with a capital C. 

James Reidy suggested as a definition :::

Ego: n. a person's conscious and unconscious beliefs about their own identity. 

To which I responded ::: think of it as a prism through which Spirit is shining. A prism the light of God Consciousness shines through [and is skewed to varying degrees]. To the degree the stuff you are talking about is clear and or conscious is the degree to which it is god/dess, spirit, the very cosmos. I would say the stuff you are talking about is the dirt on the glass. 

Which is what I think Ken Wilber means when he says:

 

“The ego itself is a perfect manifestation of the Divine."

 

Everything is a perfect manifestation of the divine. That is the essence of non-dual reality. AND of course, even duality is held within non-duality. It must be. Spirit does not judge. We do.

And if we are careful to incorporate stages, the ever-increasing, ever-widening waves and stages and levels that one passes through, plateaus at, regresses and contracts to on occasion—where our emotional reactions come from and where our interpretations are filtered through—whether we use Kolberg, Gilligan, or Gravesian models to determine our “stage” ego can not be transcended.

It cannot be annihilated—with one exception. Blowing your brains will do it.

Death will do it.

And this is the problem I have with most “gurus” is they set up a massive internal conflict or increase internal dissonance/discordance with their idea about annihilating the ego. Their 2-dimensional, either/or relationship to ego. Which is what I think Ken Wilber is pointing to when he says :::

“The ego is not a thing but a subtle effort, and you cannot use effort to get rid of effort--you end up with two efforts instead of one."

AND it is only their ego that wants you to annihilate yours—to submit to them.

However, we can get the same intended results of openness, expansiveness, acceptance, with a more ecological and holistic understanding of ego. And with that understanding, what we CAN do is evolve it. Expand it. Have it occur as more diffuse. So wide and so diffuse it needs no protection. It needs no assertion. It has nothing to prove.

It will occur like a transcendent ego. It will look like “ego-less-ness”. What it actually looks like it the ever-expanding upward spiral. AN unfolding. A larger embrace.

Let me ask you what kind of ego can be “one with all things that are arising…moment to moment…even now”? I’ll tell you what kind of ego—a huge fucking ego. A wide and high ego. A diffuse ego. An ego so large that feedback or other’s attacks are accepted and absorbed into it like a still lake. it is also a subtle ego.

Unfortunately we are used to seeing very loud, pre-rational egos, and calling that “ego”. Yet it is an underdeveloped, uncertain ego than needs to be a gross [vs subtle], hard, reactive, ego. A defensive ego. Not a huge, well developed ego. A large, expanded ego is subtle and diffuse.

Simultaneously, their presence can be very powerful. When they look at you, their gaze often sees deeper into you than you have into yourself, which can be very uncomfortable for some. For others, habit forming.

Wilber again: "…and it is best handled by resting in Freedom, not by trying to get rid of ego"

AND as I am fond of saying ::: the biggest ego trip in the kosmos is thinking you can or will ever “transcend” your ego.

However, we can expand it, evolve it, and have it so developed and so diffuse that it occurs “transcendent” for most people—because there is little resistance. There is so much confidence that you do not need to prove yourself—even to yourself. It allows you to more easily look in the mirror. To accept where you are wrong and have wronged.

There is a true freedom there. The freedom that Wilber speaks to, I believe. And resting there…is fun in the quiet joy kind of way.

Derek Arckis said :::

Another example is: 'Awareness alone is curative'. Yes, this works well as well, if you don't have to come back into the world (Samara) and socially function via emotions and affect response / motive (seat of ego). Not so subtle if you ask me. Awareness of the great intensity of feeling through the burning off of karma is much more realistic and painful, yet truly evolutionary, rather than blowing (ungrounded) in the high winds of a brightly lit day (merely enlightenment). 

But who wants to bypass the quick and dirty and do the actual work to truly evolve (in the egoic sense, rather than mere cognitive experience)?

Exactly … AND what it takes to get there—is work. Being vigilant in our awareness. The subtleties of our awareness. Subtle effort. And in that, is freedom. When re-relax into the Witness—our ever-present awareness—we are there in the atmosphere of enlightenment.

I understand this turns the popular idea of ego on its head. I get that. I also get that Wilber and Cohen [not Cowan] have both talked about this in passing—briefly. At least the idea that it is a big ego that is an enlightened ego—and the obviousness of the stages in all of their work.

Why they still talk about it in two-dimensional terms I am uncertain of. I have one major guess ::: They are speaking into the existent memes and tapping those associations, rather than attempting to undertake the effort to recode and reframe over 2,500 years of entrenched traditions.

Given they are some of the very few who understand this, that is my guess.

AND who knows?

They do. He does. Some part of you does … even now.

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Quadrant-Based Model for Esteem for the Self

Self-Esteem Matrix

[Validation (V) ::: Worth | Referencing (R) ::: Efficacy]
Internal and external locus

 

matrix_esteem_self

 

If we combine Dr Nathaniel’s definition of self-esteem—that is that self-esteem has two integral and inseparable—yet equally important and parallel—components:

  • Self-efficacy [knowledge of our effectiveness/our value/guilt]
  • Self-respect [Making choices appropriate to life/self-worth/shame

…with another multi-dimensional idea ::: that the “high self-esteem” and “low self-esteem” binary representation is inadequate to accurately explain some behaviors and behavioral choices, and we look at where the individual’s attention is, then we begin to create a richer and deeper—and therefore more accurate signifier—a more accurate representation of esteem for the self.

I prefer that phrase, that is: esteem for the self, to the more common phrase “self-esteem” for two reasons:

  1. The phrase/word “self-esteem” is one of the most misunderstood and overused phrases in American pop psychology. And,
  2. The phrase Esteem for the Self refocuses our attention where it should be; our opinion of the “me” in our self-concept.

 The sad part is that what most of the “experts” in academia call “self-esteem” is simply not self-esteem, but rather “other-esteem”. This can border on the absurd when supposed experts call for an end to competition. Or, an end to grades in school.

Given that our esteem for the self is our immune system for life, it must be tested, so it can grow, respond, and develop the metaphoric antibodies to the hardships of life. While I am far from competitive, I am glad it existed in my upbringing. Grades. Martial Arts training, science contests, spelling bees, etc.

Anyway … to bring a richer texture to the conversation … in the above figure we have 4 basic locations or orientations to esteem for the self. Internal / external and validation / referencing.

Below are some relatively raw notes on the quadrants above, but more importantly, below that is a table that lays out some of the misconceptions about what it means to have true esteem for the self. For those of you who know me to be a proponent of stage conceptions, this is not in conflict with an egoic stage conception, but it would overly complicate the conversation for mass consumption to add another dimension in this writing.

If you are curious about how this quadrant-based model would interact with a stage conception for egoic development, shoot me an email … ok:

With no further ado:

UPPER LEFT ::: If someone is Internally validated [VI] and they are externally referenced [RE] then we have the ideal situation; someone who is internally validated, and therefore “immune” at a core level from the opinions of others—yet also externally referenced, meaning they care about gathering feedback from the outside world and from others—so they can continually become more effective, and—if need be—adjust their behaviors. This quadrant is the healthiest of the quadrants. Those grounded in this quadrant will be happiest, more at ease with themselves, interact more effectively with others, and produce better results in the real world.

 

UPPER RIGHT ::: Internally validated and internally referenced. Not ideal. They truly do not care about the opinions of feelings of others—and do not need them, but simultaneously they do not notice their impact or care about their impact. You could call this person the empowered idiot. Unaware entirely.

 

LOWER LEFT ::: Externally validated and externally referenced. This person is constantly contorting themselves to whomever is around them, based on subtle or gross cues, but they are also dependent on the opinion of others to feel good about themselves. They try to be everything for and to everybody. I jokingly refer to this quadrant as “hell”. They will never feel good about themselves as they are never in touch with themselves—and do not even know who they are—and their feelings will shift like the wind upon the whims or preferences of others.

 

LOWER RIGHT ::: Externally validated but internally referenced. This person is desperate for people’s attention, their validation and praise, yet is inner-focused and not able to adjust to cues. Imagine them seeking approval, and constantly bumping into walls and people all the time. Desperate for approval. Never quite able to do the right thing to get it. Let's call this quadrant "purgatory".

Heh.

 

Pseudo Self-Esteem; Myths Of Self-Esteem

 

True Esteem For The Self [The Truth About Self-Esteem]:

 

People with “high self esteem” are egotistical or arrogant. They are always proving something to others or to themselves. They talk about how great they are all the time

 

Have supreme, unshakeable, yet quiet confidence; they know when they are good at something and know they are fundamentally “OK” and have nothing to prove—not even to themselves. They have no need to talk about how good they are at what they do: for them it is simple fact.

 

People with high self-esteem do not admit their mistakes—or admit them more slowly than others, as they are unwilling to admit they screwed up.

 

 

People with his esteem for themselves can and do admit their wrongs and faults and their mistakes quickly as it “means” nothing about them. They are more concerned with efficacy than how they “look”.

Others can somehow “hurt” your self esteem

 

Are internally validated, so others opinions, while important for efficacy, has no effect on true esteem for the self [otherwise, it would be called “other-esteem” rather than “self-esteem”

 

People with high self-esteem do not care about what other people think or about others’ feelings

 

Want to know how they are impacting others-both positively and negatively-as they are willing to adjust their behaviors; efficacy above all

 

It’s bad for most children’s self esteem to “lose” in a competition [as there is always “winner” and a “loser” and far fewer [and often only one] “winner”.

 

Are just fine losing, but rather have the mind-set around acquiring more skill/developing further, and look forward to the next opportunity to “compete:” yet have no need or desire for competition as such

 

Need people to like them or need them

 

Are fundamentally at peace and love themselves absent any acknowledgement, praise, or need from others; they eschew dependency of others or idolization from others

 

Thrives on the praise of others

 

Have no desire for the praise of others, but takes note of what the other prefers for the practical purposes; for the sake of eficacy

 

Until next time ...

In Warmth and In Service ...

jason.the.mcclain™

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