Evolutionary Professional Blog

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Prosperity Through Purpose | Integrating Wealth and Fulfillment | 6-Figure Practice

"May you live in interesting times."-Chinese Proverb

We do indeed live in interesting times. We stand at a fascinating and precarious crossroads at this time in history.  And as with all such situations, there is an incredible opportunity right now to reassess, take inventory, and commit to integrating our wealth acquisition strategies with your deepest spiritual principles. To be of service--and to become prosperous as a result of, rather than instead of, such a commitment.

Those who are in the arts and who have holistic training have the greatest opportunity of all to do so.

I read recently that the vast majority of coaches and practitioners never make over $25,000/year. This is more than unfortunate. Frankly, it borders on tragic. Mostly because they either give up, or, worse, for a belief that it isn't possible to live comfortably and live their purpose. That is a sad waste of resources that could be applied to evolving consciousness on this planet. And it does not have to be so. Not only can you become prosperous as a result of living your purpose through serving others--but if we can, we must.

For some, the "how" is simply missing. For others, their beliefs about money or themselves--or their offering or service--is in the way. For still others, there is a combination of all of that.

Whether any of that is true for you or not, what is true in reality is that you can have a thriving holistic business in service of others leading to emotional and spiritual fulfillment for you, and ultimately, a better world for all. If you know how and do the personal work to get out of your own way.


This is a free mini-workshop for coaches and holistic practitioners of any any modality.

  • The 3 Necessary Components to to build and maintain a 6-figure holistic practice
  • How to sell without ever selling--coming from a place of service
  • How to structure talks and introductory workshops so that they practically write themselves
  • Ways to reveal and dissolve the beliefs you've inherited--or created--that are blocking you from success and fulfillment
  • How to create and organize a comprehensive offering to serve the client more fully
  • Other cool and incredibly useful stuff


What: Purpose Through Prosperity | Components for Your 6-Figure Practice
When: Wednesday, February 27th @ 7pm - 9pm
Where: SOMA, San Francisco »RSVP« for exact location

Why: To live a more fulfilled and integrated life.

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Resolution Evolution | Creating Your S.M.A.R.T. 2013

If you want to simply register for the call, go HEREHERE:
http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9Chttp://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9C

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That time of year has just passed when most of us have taken inventory. And many of us imagine a future that is somehow ... different from the past.

Sometimes it comes in the form of examining what we learned from the year we have just lived and experienced--and making plans for what we want to accomplish in the coming year.

Either way, we all know how it goes for most of us by the end of January. Or, heck, by January 10th ...

This is not some failure on our part; more often it is a matter of conflicting parts within us that are yearning to be understood, appreciated, and integrated. Still other aspects can simply be not being present to our internal representations and not understanding our unconscious organization of time and how to access that and maximize its power.

Essentially not understanding how to harness the power of our own mind.

And sometimes it is not knowing how to language a goal to make certain that the probabilities that it will become a reality are dramatically increased.

We'll cover all of that in this free tele-seminar.

What you will discover:

• How to create S.M.A.R.T. goals and outcomes
• Why resolutions rarely ever work--and how to make sure they do
• Understanding your unconcious organization of time
• How unconscious, internal conflicting parts can be brought into your awareness, honored, and integrated

• The art and science of Time Line Tharapy to create spooky cool results

Join us. It's free. 

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by being exposed to this powerful way to manage your own mind.

Your future begins now ...

What: Creating Your SMART Future
When: Wednesday, January 16th @ 7pm Pacific
Where: On the phone and/or on the web

Register for the call HEREHERE:

http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9Chttp://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/O3N7012HI6UW9F9C

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Resolving Your Past | Creating Your Future

Imagine having a tool in your toolbox that was so versatile it could resolve fears and traumas from the past--and could also create magical results for you and your clients in the future...

For years now, many people have asked me to teach and/or demonstrate certain NLP methods and processes.


This is the first in a series born out of me finally saying yes to that request.

After 17 years of being a Master Practitioner, there are really only about 5 main processes I use because of the scope of what they can address as well as the depth at which they work. In other words, they can handle pretty much everything and anything mentally and emotionally.

One of those is my own modified version of Dr Tad James' Time Line Therapy.

In this free 90-minute event I will demonstrate and teach the principles involved that make it effective as both a tool for resolution as well as how to create magical results in your future.

•Create magical financial as well as personal results in your future
•Resolve past traumatic experiences
•Dissolve habitual emotional
•Integrate the power of your unconscious mind, your self-concept, the law of attraction, and your unconscious organization of time to create futures


And so many other uses.


This is one of those "must-know" processes for effective coaches and practitions. Something you will want to have in your tool bag--even if you think you already know it, you will be enriched by learning this version of it--and the underlying principles.


Serve your clients and yourself more effectively. Start by RSVPing for this event and adding this to your tool box. Use the contact form here to find out the exact location.

When: Tuesday, July 31st @ 7:15pm
Where: Del Mar-ish, San Diego [RSVP for exact location]
Why: See above

In Service,

jason.the.mcclain

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Facility With Self ::: Navigating Your Interiors

 

 

Be a part of the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Agreement Frames | Clean Relating

 

 

Participate in the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Wherein I Explain the Cycle of My Social Media Status Updates

"I am a mouth for a process that many of us are going though. The more intimately I deal with how it is for me, the more intimately I am sharing how it is for you." -Ram Dass

Some have asked about my updates. The are sexual/primal. And then emotive [poetry shares] and then cognitive/political and then spiritual/ethereal/transcendent. Huh. Yeah. Weird, huh?

What's up with this guy? Where is The.McClain comin' from?

As I have written before, it is not transcend and deny, it is not transcend and suppress. Rather transcend and *include*.

I assert being fully alive is to be sexual and primal. To be emotive and love. To be cognitive and mentally sharp and discerning AND yes, of course to be Spiritual/transcendent/ethereal. ALL of it. ALL fully flowing ::: ALL channels open. All channels awake. All channels channeling.

I have also found that the more I give voice to the darker more primal drives, the more comfortably my students and clients are willing to share and examine those places within themselves -- the more they are able to feel safe. AND within that, they can accelerate the dissolution of those aspects to the degree that it is appropriate. For them. For the very process of evolution. The evolution of conscious evolution.

And it all begins by shining the light on the "shadow" aspects of ourselves. The unspoken [and "inappropriate" aspects of ourselves. The politically incorrect. The lecherous. The murderous. The rageful. The ... well you get it. Consciousness, when it is at full, is *all* of it.

It is all, of course, part of the human experience.

So expect to see me cycle through those drives, levels, energetic centers, stages, etc. [consciously and intentionally]. So yes, you will see me talk [or quote] of fucking and eating/indulging. Of feeling and loving ::: epically. AND calling our leaders to task--not based on partisanship, but on results--regardless of who is "in power", while pointing to guiding lights I myself am moving toward and hoping we all move toward.

Pre-rational ::: Rational ::: Trans-rational

...and then repeating again.

In service of the very nature of the upward Spiral itself.

But know that you may not understand my choices, and you may not agree with them ::: and they may not be wise [heh] ::: BUT - most of the time - they are incredibly intentional and conscious.

-Intrinsic McClain-Ness™

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Integral Personal Evolution | An Evening Introduction

Increase your capacity to handle whatever life throws at you.

Imagine being confused when someone asks you if you took something personally. Authentically confused–as in, that interpretation is actually confusing to you.

Imagine being free–finally–from the opinions of others defining who you are.

Imagine when the sh** comes down in your life there is just the sh** to deal with and your mind is fully in service–it is your slave, rather than you being enslaved and imprisoned by your own mind.  

Being free from the emotions that enslave most people--and at choice--fully.

I do not mean just in a specific context, like relationships or finances or professional–personal evolution is not context dependent–but free at core level, such that your natural emotional responses are more free–in every context.

Imagine “reframing” being unnecessary–unnecessary because the reframe is the frame that naturally arises.

Our ego and our emotions evolve in stages. Greater and greater expanse. Ever-increasing levels of freedom. Wider and wider embrace of all that arises–moment to moment.

This is important to you because your stage will determine how you interpret events as well as your emotional reaction to it--before any re-framing can occur. In other words, it is what governs your relationship to interacting with the world and with yourself. 

Of course, this is only important if you interact with others–or yourself.

Let’s accelerate the process of movement through the stages--so we can play more, love deeper, laugh longer–and hurt for only as long as is necessary for us to learn what we must learn to deepen our experience of ourselves.

To unfold our depths; to reveal our Divinity.

And isn’t that what it’s all for anyway?

Because who we are is pure divinity. Pure Spirit. “God/dess” manifest. Yet our particular manifestation is often clouded.

As you touch your hand to your heart you may begin to feel Divinity waiting, wanting to come out and play. Release your Divinity; release the highest within you. Release--your inner god/dess.

Your Personal Evolution is the gateway. 

Yes, it will take the gristly and gritty work of building the muscles of facility with Self.  AND it will be the most valuable endeavor you have undertaken.

Let's explore this unfolding together.

 

What: Free Evening Intro to Personal Evolution | The Evolutionary Ego
When: Monday April 9th @ 7:30pm - 9:30pm-ish
Why? ::: You already know ... 

Where? In San Francisco. RSVP for exact location using the contact form on this site.


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Semi-Weekly Tips ::: Your Relationship to "Failures"

It is not the "successes" or "failures" that will define you and your business in the end.

Rather, it is your relationship--your orientation--to the failures that will.

 

Register for the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Semi-Weekly Tips ::: New Blog Category

I have created a new blog category for you called "semi-weekly tips" and it will be just that.

We'll cover topics ranging from self-esteem to email marketing. From best practices in business to practices for maintaining a healthy ego.

They will be 2-minute vignettes. We will release one approximately every 10 days.

They are not meant to be exhaustive or thorough lessons, but rather just a quick hit or some insight, and for some of you, simply reminders of the best of what you may have forgotten, but would love to be reminded of.

These are primarily created with coaches and holistic practitioners in mind, however, if you are in business for yourself, or if you are an independent commission-based employee, you will also be able to benefit from them.

To get you started, the first two are up now:

You are responsible, and therefore at choice:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/akw

Single emails do not sell. Email campaigns do:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/ak6

And if at any point in the future, if you want to see all of the tips in the category, then you can either click on "Semi-Weekly Tips" near the date stamp for the entries, or go to the category listing here:

http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/evolutionary-blog/categories/listings/weekly-tips


In Service and In Evolution,

Jason

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Semi-Weekly Tips ::: You Are Responsible And Therefore At Choice

 You are responsible for the current state of your business.  Period.

 

Register for the ultimate on-line course for coaches and practitioners here.

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Evolutionary Professional | Spiritual Capitalism | The Teleseminar Series

Update for the next (and final) call in this series:
Monday, March 12th, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific

Talks and Technology ::: How "Free" Leads to Money And Fulfillment

It is no secret you need to give away content in today's marketplace. 

Not just because people need to be able to get a deeper sense of you and your approach to life, work, and the services you provide, but also as a result of the amount and degree of choice in the marketplace. They need to understand and "get" at a deeper level the difference between you and the other service providers out there.

It is your opportunity to distinguish yourself from others, demonstrate competence, and also provide value to those who may or may not be able to afford you.

AND, what stands in the way between you and their eyeballs, ears, and allowing them to "feel" you is your ability to present in person, or over the web, and your mastery of the tools of technology that are abundant and freely available to us in today's net-centric world.

Technology. Most practitioners I have met hate it. Most practitioners must develop some competency with it--unless and until you can just pay someone to handle it for you. BUT even then, you will want to know enough to keep your consultants honest. Take it from me.

Allow me to contribute to you by demystifying much of the "magical" and for most--overwhelming--world of technology.

In this free teleseminar we will cover:

  • The 4 learning types and how to integrate them into any presentation platform to keep your audience engaged
  • Blogging ::: including
    • Blogging platforms and the benefits and drawbacks of each of the available open source platforms
    • Do's and don'ts of blogging
  • Evening talks and how to:
    • Write them
    • Market them
    • Key components you must incorporate them so you can utilize them as "client acquisition events"
  • Teleseminars
    • What they are effective for and what they are not effective for
  • Which social-networking sites are a waste of your time, which ones matter, and why
  • How to use social marketing to maximize your results

When?  Monday, March 12th, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific

Why? As always so that you can live a more integrated--a more spiritually aligned--life; integrating your spiritual purpose and your contributions to the world with your wealth acquisition strategies.

As always, I will be taking questions live (and encouraging you to ask them), so if you have questions about any of this tech stuff or presenting, be sure to be on the call.

Register for this free call herehere:
http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521

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Update for the last call: Monday, March 5th, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific

Here is the audio from this call:




Tonight, we will be convering Evolutionary Sales for coaches and practitioners.

Register for these free calls hereherehereherehere:
http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521border=border=border="0"http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521

More details:

What if you could count on a prospective client signing an extended package with you when you see them in person? When I say, "count on" on mean--with 90% certainty?

As a holistic practitioner, you are sensitive to dynamics that do not feel right and you truly want to be of service to your prospective clients. You correctly want to make sure they never feel pressured.

And they never should--they do not need to be.

At the same time, if you have been in business for yourself for any length of time, you have come to realize that if you do not assist them in overcoming their concerns and their fears or limitations in thinking, you will never be able to assist them in realizing the life they have always wanted, dreamed of, and perhaps have come to you to assist them in finally achieving. In a sense, this is your first test as their coach, guide, or service provider in the helping industries.

Are you going to let them leave with those limitations intact? Or are you going to expand their world ever so gently?

The reality is, if you do not have financial sustainability, you will not be able to serve for very long before your own concerns of thriving and prospering come into play.  In a word, you need to learn to SELL--but sell without compromising your values of service, contribution, and ethics...

Many talk about using initial or "free" consultations to sign clients, but few know how to set these up to turn them into results. How to systematically use your communication before hand, setting context, and being so effective in the session with your guidance that the results end up being inevitable ::: you can begin to count on the client signing the agreement taking the gueswork out of our business, your financial life, and increasing your confidence exponentially.

Other distinctions I will be including in the evening :::

 

  • How to be so effective in your question flow that "closing" them or "overcoming their objections" becomes unnecessary--as a result of how you're being of service.
  • The three steps to opening the relationship [signing the client]
  • How [and why] to sign the client without ever giving away free services
  • How to sell without ever selling
  • How to integrate permission-based selling


Register for these free calls hereherehereherehere:
http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521border=border=border="0"http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/4UY909U6UEBJD521


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Sustainability of Change for Your Clients | Financial Sustainability for You

Right now is the time for the Evolutionary Professional™. The emergent agent of change integrating purpose and wealth; doing well as a result of doing good-- integrating universal spiritual principles and free market economics. I understand that the more of you I empower to be successful, and have a full-time practice that is thriving, the better off the world will be.

It is no secret that a primary component of building a 6-figure practice is to offer prospective clients a comprehensive package and path to step into.

Not only does it allow you to guide a client to more sustainable and stable change that takes hold--change that actually sticks--serving them more comprehensively--it also allows you, as the practitioner, to relax into serving them--allowing you to focus all of your energies on the clients outcomes--rather than concern for whether they will be back next week--or not.

That's all well and good...but ::: There are 2 additional critical components.

You must also have a sales system -- and use it. However, it must be a sales system that does not feel like "sales", that frankly, passes the holistic smell test. A system that will allow you to sell without selling; to sell from a place of service and contribution. To sell, but sell in alignment with your values. No pain. No leverage. No manipulation or unethical tactics. And no use of fear.

AND ... you must give free content. You must blog and give intros, and do podcasts ::: you must give free content so that you can effect the lives of those you may never meet, but ALSO because there is so much choice out there and people want a taste.

We will cover the what, why. and most importantly the how of each of these in these calls, allowing you to do what is post important ::: integrate your purpose and your prosperity.

Not only can we do that at this time in history and in this economy, but we must.

If you want to #Occupy something, occupy your gifts. Let me show you how so you can share them with the world.

Here are the dates and times:
 
Monday, Feb 20, 2012 @  7:30pm Pacific / 10:30p Eastern   [How to build your offering]
Monday, Feb 27, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific / 10:30p Eastern   [How to Build Your Offering]
Monday, March 5th, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific [Evolutionary Sales™]
Monday, March 12th, 2012 @ 7:30pm Pacific / 10:30p Eastern   [blogging, intros and talks,social media]
 
Register for the calls herehereherehereherehereherehereherehere:
 

Be on one or be on all of them. Whatever would best serve you.

 

In Service,
 
jason.the.mcclain™
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Coaching The Life Coach | The 16 Week Course

One of the things that am committed to changing in the world is the painful separation of Spirit and wealth acquisition.

So many people think they have to sacrifice their spiritual life to make money. And so many people think they have to sacrifice wealth to be truly spiritual.

The truth is quite the opposite. Not only *can* we integrate them, but we must.

I think we can all agree, that if these were integrated--if people were acquiring wealth AND living a robust spiritual life in the same moment, then so much of the unethical stuff we have seen in the financial markets in the last few years would not have happened.

For our world to solve so many problems it has, not only can we integrate spiritual sensibilities and wealth acquisition ... but we must.

Why am I sharing this in this email? 

As many of you know, I have been working on an on-line version of my live Coaching The Life Coach program for  ... well … years now.

It is finally finished. 

A 16-week tour-de-force covering everything from your emotional blocks and defining your purpose to SEO and v4.0 of Evolutionary Sales™ with the purpose to have you integrate your purpose and your prosperity and be well on your way to be making over 6-figures by living your purpose.

For being here, you get a coupon code that will give you about 25% off each month.

Check out the course hoopla page here:

http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/clc-4-sales-page

And the course visual overview here:
http://coaches.evolutionarycompanies.com/clc4-course-outline

 

Your coupon code is:

community50

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Depth and Its Value | Spiral Dynamics | Integral

All perspectives have equal validity, but they lack equal *value*, as they manifest different and varying levels of depth. #integral

I wrote the above line on facebook yesterday. Comments ensued:

@chris kosley said:

"Isn't value only assignable relative to a particular goal? Why should deep be inherently more valuable than shallow?"

To which I responded:

Thanks for asking the question. Good stuff.

What you say about value relative to a goal is true in other contexts [say, if I were talking about a skill or a thing; an object. But that is not what I was talking about.

I was talking about the inherent value in perspectives.

Why should deep be inherently more valuable than shallow? The simple answer is because it contains more. 

It requires more to demonstrate depth than it does to be shallow. It requires a larger embrace of the Kosmos. For instance, compassion is more valuable than anger because it requires a greater depth of development to demonstrate compassion than it does to simply get angry.

Therefore there *is* an inherent value that is greater.

Green [SD6] in Spiral Dynamics will not see this: they believe in flatland; all perspectives have equal value and it is all about cultural constructs and no culture is any "better" than any other culture. Of course they fail to realize that this perspective itself is a very high/deep level of development and stages below it do not share the sentiment.

Yellow realizes the folly in this, and its inherent falseness; Yellow [SD7] once again is fine with holarchies [stops judging them as bad or claiming they do not exist] as they are naturally occurring all around us.

And that is one of the charachteristics that truly distinguishes 1st Tier consciousness from 2nd Tier in the model. In other words, what distinguishes Integral.

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Relationships: Elegent Navigation, Effective Communication Part 1

Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation

Part 1: The Problem (1346 words. Average reading time: 6 minutes)

In the global marketplace of cultures, ideas, relationships, and business strategies, we can no longer say that there is one way to “do relationships” or that there is an “is-ness” to what form they should take.

 There simply is no global—or even local—consensus around relationships—if there ever was.

Whether we are speaking about arranged marriages still common on the other side of the globe in India, gay marriages—legal in some countries and some U.S. Statesegal in some countries and some U.S. Statesegal in some countries and some U.S. States or other alternative forms of relating from polyamory, or other non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship forms, we can certainly say that what is considered an acceptable form of relating is massively expanding in scope.

Whether you agree or disagree with those life-style choices, it is undeniable that the very idea of relationship is in evolution both morally and culturally.  Not to mention in practicality—in form.

And yet … 

And yet, most people still cannot seem to even navigate the waters of traditional relationships with facility and elegance.  Even many friendships are not always fulfilling and conflicts are rarely navigated effectively—if at all. Sadly, many marriages and intimate romantic relationships often hobble along until people are just in a habit, not a relationship. They’re still “together” on the surface, but the reality, truth, intimacy, and dynamism faded—or died—long ago.

They are in a habit, not an actual relationship.

There are certainly exceptions to this.  Both in relationships and in society as a whole. We have individuals and small “intentional” communities who have it as one of their stated values to become facile at navigating the waters of relationships—including  conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, as well as their internal, individual, personal emotional upset or “charge” that comes along with it—with skill, ease, and a good degree of elegance.

But even after more than 40 years of the rise and expansion of the human potential movement, these are exceptions, not rules.  Heck, they are often not even expected standards, let alone the rule.

But it could be so.  

We can all have fulfilling, harmonious relationships. Even in conflict, there are philosophical approaches as well effective communication models that, if take on, can fulfill on this possibility—and make it a reality.

So…what are they?

 First, let’s look at some of the common problems that arise. And then, together, we will examine some simple solutions.

 

The Problems

 

Many of dynamics within inter-personal problems and/or conflicts can be summed up thusly:

  • A belief that relationships are “supposed to take work” or “supposed to be hard”
  • Dishonesty. Dishonesty in at least two ways
    • Deceit—actual lying
    • Hiding the truth—not just of facts, which we will lump in with the above, but of our internal, subjective experience. Our process. And what is going on for us.
  • Blaming others for our circumstances or the situation AND
  • Failing to take responsibility for our part in a conflict or misunderstanding
  • Simply meaning two different things—or interpreting something in two different ways—that are in conflict unknowingly until the it causes a conflict explicitly and openly
  • An egoic need to “be right” put before a search for truth and accuracy
  • A lack of emotional choice or facility [being run by our anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, resentments etc.]
  • A lack of knowledge around how to effectively communicate through a conflict—a lack of a positive, effective, workable model
  • A lack of skillful means with those models
  • A collision of values/world-views that are in conflict

 

Why are people dishonest? Several reasons seem to occur most frequently:

  • We do not want to “rock the boat”
  • We do not want to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them the truth [even though, in reality, most people can handle the truth, it is the deception or the hiding that causes the true hurt once revealed or discovered
  • Fear—fear of being judged, fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, or just plain fear of speaking the truth directly.

 

Why do people blame others?  Oh, so many reasons, but a few common reasons are:

 

  • It’s just easier to point the finger outside of oneself than it is to take responsibility—even when oneself is more “to blame”.
  • We do not have solid enough sense of self to take responsibility without going into a state of shame—and therefore avoid doing so
  • We have fault and blame collapsed with responsibility


Why do people resist—sometimes at great cost interpersonally and in terms of intimacy—taking responsibility?

Sadly, people think that responsibility equals blame or fault, but they are actually separate matters. Responsibility really means just that—being able to respond.  To engage. To resolve. To accept your part in it.  When they collapse fault and blame with taking responsibility, they avoid it like the plague, lest they experience guilt and/or shame around it.  Unfortunately, the other person in the equation is often all too willing to assist the other in feeling guilt or shame for egoic reasons—or to extract their pound of flesh, their pint of blood.

While I certainly do not want to oversimplify these complex and multi-faceted issues, we could say that all of those items can boil down to one core cause: insufficient esteem for the self; a lack of healthy and appropriate ego development. Except in the case of actual physical abuse, there is no reason other than a lack of esteem for yourself—knowledge of your competence to communicate it and your belief that you deserve to be happy—to explain it. AND, in the case of actual physical abuse, if the individual is staying in that system—and therefore participating in it—we can trace it to the same core: a lack of esteem for the self; that they deserve better and take action to make it so.

Without boring you by vivisecting all of those problem dynamic bullet points let’s cut to the quick of it: we could trace all of the problems in relationships down to 4 basic common denominators, 3 of them completely resolvable, and the 4th, quite often possible to resolve:

  1. Anemic esteem for the Self
  2. Underdeveloped facility – both emotionally as well as communication skills
  3. Lack of knowledge of effective communication models or processes
  4. A collision of worldviews at the level of values

We will address solutions to items 1, 2, and 3 in Part 2. For a partial examination of the 4th item, I will point you to another article on that subject HEREHEREHERE on my legacy site.

 

 You can proceed to Part 2 of this article: The Solutions HEREHERE.

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Relationships: Elegent Navigation, Effective Communication, Part 2

Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation

Part 2: The Solutions (1100 words, average reading time: 4.5 minutes)

[Part 1 can be found HERE]

 

I have a very simple approach to relationships, that avoids most, if not all, of the problems outlined in the interpersonal conflicts above. It is the philosophical grounding I take on in all of my relationships explicitly:

  • Realize—and accept—the fact that no one way of approaching relationships, communication, or conflict is the “right way”. That there is no consensus agreement or reality except that which you form with the Other. They are simply different styles…therefore take this on as an organizing principle and act accordingly: 
  • Give the other person the freedom to be however they want; to be self expressed free from attempts to control them or suppress them
  • Give yourself the freedom to be fully self-expressed—to be your authentic self
  • In the event that one person’s behavior upsets the other, the person who is upset makes a clear request to alter the offending behavior
    • If they accept the request, you now have an agreement
    • If they decline the request, you now know what to expect from them and have more understanding of each other’s approach to the world
    • Forge an agreement with the other that this is the way you will approach relationships and conflict

 

Simple.

It gives both parties maximum freedom to be themselves. It treats both parties like adults who are responsible for their own experience—and can express their needs. Everything is on the table and at face value. There is no second-guessing. There is no ambiguity. There are no guessing games or “game playing”.

And really, holding someone accountable to agreements they have not made—in the form of your unstated expectations—is simply unjust. It is also supremely arrogant, in that it assumes that “well, everybody knows that you should…” which can be translated at a deeper level of its assumption is “my way of doing relationships is the global standard”. 

Incredibly arrogant.

Your way of doing it may be more effective—and may even be more enjoyable for both parties if accepted by and engaged in by both parties—but it is not the only way to do it, and in the absence of an explicit consensus or agreement reality, you must create one.

As I said, it is simple. However, it is not easy.   

There are several things you must do and develop efficacy with for this approach to work and work well for both parties.  There is also a very effective way to communicate through those upsets before making your request (the last bullet point above). We’ll get to that in a few minutes.

First, here is what you must do:

Take on the recommended philosophical grounding and approach outlined in the bullet points above. 

Take responsibility. Don’t do it for them, or for the other person. Do it for yourself—as your esteem for yourself will expand and grow each time you accept responsibility. Your sense of self expands. It also has the effect of allowing people who are emotionally mature enough to follow suit and take responsibility for their part in it—rather than polarizing, blaming each other, and digging your heels in—to the detriment of the relationship and/or for the thin gruel of short-term ego inflation (as opposed to healthy egoic expansion, which occurs, again, by taking responsibility). 

Engage in as many other practices as possible to build true and healthy esteem for the self.  It is your immune system for your emotional life.

Make a firm decision to practice and exercise your facility with self.  At a bare minimum, know that even if your interpretations of what is occurring are mostly accurate, they are at least incomplete. Always look to include more information in your world-view. Expand your perspective.

More advanced practices to exercise your internal facility would be to consider:

  • How else could the events/their actions be interpreted?
  • Where else could the person be coming from?
    • What else—besides your disempowering interpretation/projection/guess—could be their motivations? Their intent? Their outcome?
    • What could their positive intent be?
    • Step into their shoes. What could their experience of you be right now? Is it positive? Neutral? Negative? What else is going on right now for them that is straining their resources?
    • What emotion is underneath their communication—and speak directly to and validate that before getting to facts and agreements

 

Take on a responsible and conscious model for communicating your emotions, expectations, and for requesting an agreement around styles.

All three of those can be addressed by one simple model—in 4 steps. For this, I borrow heavily from Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s work. Here is my suggested approach to communicate upset and negotiate an agreement:

  1. State the emotion responsibly [“responsibly” is explained below in step 1]
  2. Take responsibility for the unstated/un-agreed-to expectation
  3. Make a request
  4. Get an answer

 

Let me provide an example of the kind of language to accomplish this, mapped to the steps, with some guidelines. Let’s take an innocuous example of someone not calling you and they then arrive 20 minutes late [recommended language in bold]:

 

  1. I am noticing I am experiencing anger [or worry, or frustration, or ____________”… [not “you made me angry”, “It pisses me off when you do that”, etc. Not everyone would be angered by it. It is your interpretation and your expectation causing the upset—not some external force or person;
  2. That’s because I have an expectation that people will call if they are going to be more than  _____  minutes late…
  3. So my request is that from now on, if you are going to be more than _____ late that you call and let me know.
  4. Is that something you are willing to agree to…or not? [yes and no must both be fine answers, otherwise it is a demand/boundary declaration, not a request. Give them the freedom to say no]

This model can be used with any situation between two people where there is emotional upset present to elegantly and rapidly move through it.

And…to turn this in on itself, you could use this very model to get agreement around using this model. In fact, I highly recommend you do that.

How? Here is the model used to get agreement around the model:

 

  1. I am noticing I am frustrated by the way we have been communicating when we are upset or in conflict
  2. That’s because I have an expectation that it could be done in a way that would honor us both, while moving through it rapidly
  3. So my request is that from now on, when we are upset, we use this simple 4-step process when we are upset  [show them the model—heck, show them this article]
  4. Is that something you are willing to agree to…or not?

 

Simple.

If there is an actual agreement in place that was broken, there is another equally facile way to move through that…but I will save that for another time.

Some people have protested, “but this takes so much consciousness” or “so much awareness” or “but they should just know that…”

You have to choose for yourself if the relationship—intimate or friendly or professional—is worth increasing your consciousness and your skill. And it is a skill to navigate both your own interiors as well as the conflict using these approaches and models. Since it is a skill it will take practice—and give yourself the freedom to stumble until you become skilled at it.

What awaits you on the other side is fulfilling relationships based on clarity and truth—rather than assumptions and delusion—as well as the ability to rapidly move through conflict so that it takes just minutes, rather than days—or, frankly, never—to do so. AND these are approaches and skills that will serve not only you, but all of those around you in every single context and every relationship in your life.

Do it for yourself, if nothing else.

I think you’re worth it. I trust you do as well.

 

For more clarity and resources on the critical component of self-esteem, see Dr Nathaniel Branden’s work in general, and his Six Pillars of Self Esteem in particular. Here is an articleHere is an articleHere is an articleHere is an articleHere is an article to get you started.

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